The Twelve Days of Pranking
by regenengel3
Summary: Majorly AU, tied to a story still too far in the works to be posted. It's Fifth Year, Umbridge is being an evil little witch in every sense, and Harry has had more than enough. So what does our favorite wizard do? Well... like father like son, as the saying goes. Umbridge should never have messed with Hogwarts.


A/N: this is kind of a tag to a story I have where Sirius goes back to when he was four and messes cannon up so bad he can no longer predict the future. Which is how he likes it. Sirius has a kid, Regulus isn't dead, there is no DADA curse, Remus received the DADA post shortly after the end of the War, Sirius' wife is the History of Magic teacher, and Severus is actually friends with the Marauders... which remained a group of four. Yeah. What can I say, it's Sirius, messing around with reality is totally something he would do. It's like, a total cosmic joke, a prank on reality itself. Just... say it's an AU, nod, say okay, and enjoy the silliness.

Disclaimer: Totally not mine... aside from the OOCness and the song. That's all me.

The Twelve Days of Pranking

It was barely a day into the first term and Harry Potter had come to know several facts.

Dolores Jane Umbrage was a self-serving suck up.

Dolores Jane Umbrage was a control freak.

Dolores Jane Umbrage was racist in the worst way.

Dolores Jane Umbrage should have been a Death Eater.

Dolores Jane Umbrage was a rubbish teacher

It was time to make his father proud, his mother groan, and Sirius cry tears of joy.

Dolores Jane Umbrage was going to wish she had never gone back to school.

As soon as the list was done, a grin spread over the face of Harry James Potter. A terrifying grin. A grin so horribly twisted and sadistically joyful even the Weasley twins were scared. In a voice that made even a ghost shiver Harry James Potter; Son of Prongs, Vanquisher of the Dark Lord, Savior of the Wizarding World, The-Boy-Who-Lived; said, "Hey, oh, a-pranking I shall go." All of Gryffindor shivered, then asked who would be the unlucky target. As soon as Harry had revealed his prey, they asked what they could do. Harry's grin seemed even more predatory. "You'll know," he paused and cackled madly, "oh, you will know."

Dolores Jane Umbrage, Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic and High Inquisitor at Hogwarts, could tell that something was wrong the moment she entered the Great Hall for breakfast. She couldn't say _how_ she knew, but she knew. Perhaps it was the gleam in Harry-Blessed-Potter's eyes, or the predatory grin on his face. Maybe it was the extra tingle of magic in the air, or the looks of terrified awe the Weasley twins; notorious pranksters whose respect was gained through questionable acts, were giving The-Boy-Who-Lied. However, her knowledge did not save her. As soon as she took her first swig of pumpkin juice, she sang, _"On the First Day of Pranking my Foe gave to Me... the promise a very, very dead career!"_ Everyone looked at her in shock while she looked at the goblet before her in horror. What was _that?!_ Harry-Blessed-Potter was grinning and The Twins spoke in unison.

"Sounds like someone has issued a declaration of war, Professor," they said before turning to her with grave expressions.

"Our condolences," one of the gingers said.

"Such a prank is..." the other said.

"A promise that..." the first one stated.

"Your career is going to be killed..." the second added.

"As ruthlessly."

"Efficiently."

"Thoroughly."

"Publicly."

"And as humiliatingly as wizardly possibly," they finished together. By now, Dolores was scared out of her mind. She didn't know the half of it. For the whole day, whenever she passed a Gryffindor, she would hear them whisper,

"A very, _very_, dead career." She was on her toes all day and by the time dinner came, she was almost afraid to enter the Great Hall, but Minerva McGonagall dragged her in and sat her down.

"Really now Dolores, what could a student do that could possibly destroy your career?" she asked politely, but Dolores heard the savage joy in the Professor's voice. The old Scotswoman was amused by this whole spectacle! Refusing to give the older witch the satisfaction of a reaction, Dolores marched into the Great Hall and took her seat. When she drank her pumpkin juice, she feared she had made a mistake, but when nothing happened, she felt a wave of triumph. Triumph that was tarnished as soon as she laid eyes on Potter. He was grinning. Not a normal, nice, everything-is-perfectly-normal-thanks-for-asking kind of grin. No, this was the grin of a jackal. Harry-Blessed-Potter was grinning the grin of a predator closing in on its wounded prey. To be quite honest, Dolores was scared by that grin. The next morning at breakfast, Dolores sat down with little fear. Once most of the students were seated, she took a drink. Immediately, song poured out of her mouth yet again.

"_On the Second Day of Pranking my Foe gave to Me..._

_Two cackling Weasleys..._

_and the promise of a very, very dead career!"_ She glared at her goblet once more. Immediately, Fred and George Weasley began cackling. All through breakfast, or at least as long as Dolores was in the Great Hall, they cackled. The sound of their mad laughter put fear into many of the students, but some felt the urge to laugh with them. The look on Umbridge's face was worth the sore throat. And so, all that day, as long as Dolores was within sight of the twins, they cackled. Gryffindors still whispered, 'a very, _very_, dead career' when she passed, but now _Ravenclaw_ was doing it to! Now that it had happened twice, Dolores was almost certain that another verse wasn't coming out of her mouth until her first drink of pumpkin juice in the morning, but all the same she was reluctant to enter the Great Hall. Only the thought of _Minerva_ laughing at her misfortune caused her to enter. Whispers of, 'a very, _very_, dead career' and the mad cackles of the Weasley twins greeted her, though the cackles quieted slightly as no-one could continuously cackle, though Ronald Weasley seemed to be helping, letting the twins alternate eating. Granger seemed mildly pleased, as this forced Ronald to slow down his consumption of food. Dolores fled from the room as soon as possible.

Fred and George looked at Harry with eyes that shone. Harry nodded. "Thanks guys. Coming from you, that's high praise indeed," he said, knowing what those shining eyes meant. A seventh year handed the twins a clear blue potion.

"Drink this, it'll help with the strain," she said. The twins nodded, taking the potion gratefully.

"This is a brilliant prank, but man does it hurt to keep cackling like that," George said. Harry gave them an apologetic look.

"Sorry, you two. Although, you _did_ decide to cackle all on your own. I never told you to do so," he said, a twinkle coming into his eyes. The whole common room froze. Harry was right. No-one had talked about it at all, they just did it. How much of this was Harry anyway? Ravenclaw seemed to have picked up the whispers and the twins had started cackling as soon as they heard that line. Could anyone really say that Harry was behind this prank, or was it all of Hogwarts student body that had half a brain?

"How very Slytherin of you Harry," Hermione said from behind the boy hero. Harry grinned that same deadly grin.

"Sometimes, a Slytherin approach is best, my dear Eagle in Lion's clothing," he said before heading up stairs. Te rest of the House was left to think about this new side they were seeing of Harry Potter. Then Ron, shockingly, summed it all up.

"He's completely lost all care for what those in authority think of him, and a good deal of care for what his peers think of him as well."

Once again, Dolores sang at breakfast, announcing the third tier of The Prank. _"On the Third Day of Pranking my Foe gave to Me...Three smirking Slytherins..._

_Two cackling Weasleys..._

_And the promise of a very, very dead career!"_ Everyone looked at the Slytherin table. Slowly, very slowly, Daphne Greengrass, Astoria Greengrass, and James Black began to smirk. Harry was elated. He wasn't sure if any of the Slytherin's would play along. Although, he really should have counted on James. He was Sirius' son after all. Dolores found the smirking Slytherins, muttering Ravenclaws and Gryffindors, and the cackling Weasleys almost too much. As soon as possible, she left the room and sought the relative safety of her classroom. Harry stood and swiftly made his way to the Greengrass sisters, then bowed a full ninety degrees.

"Thank you for your help," he said, looking up with a decidedly dangerous gleam in his eye.

"Like we'd let a Gryffindor do a Slytherin's job," Draco drawled, a gleam in his own eye. Harry's swiftly-becoming-infamous grin made a reappearance.

"So... does that mean that in every class, at least three Slytherins will be smirking at her from now until she cracks?" he asked mock-innocently. Draco looked up and down the table, then swiftly nodded.

"I think that can be arranged," he said, answering Harry's grin with one of his own. The Gryffindor walked away chuckling evilly and suddenly, Hogwarts felt rather sorry for the toad-like woman currently plotting Harry James "Masermind" Potter's demise. She really had no idea who she was dealing with, did she? All the same, she plotted and stewed. Hufflepuff had joined The Whisperers, the Twins were _still_ cackling, and Slytherins were smirking in groups of three. And all of this had started not too long before Halloween. In fact, if it kept on like the song it seemed to be parodying, it would all end on Halloween itself. For some reason, she felt a tingle of fear run down her back at the thought.

Breakfast had turned into the highlight of the day. Now nearly all of the school was eagerly waiting for when they might join The Prank. Dolores walked in and several groups of three Slytherins began smirking, Ron and Ginny started cackling along with the twins, and all four Houses could be heard muttering 'a very, very, dead career.' Dolores was _very_ edgy. She had been so unnerved by it all, she ad almost stopped 'visiting' the other professors. Only she was unhappy about this. They watched her sit down. They waited for her to drink her provided pumpkin juice. She... drank from a hip flask. The students began to groan, but then, she jerked like she had been hit from the side with a spell and reluctantly sang out, _"On the Fourth Day of Pranking my Foe gave to Me..._

_Four plotting Houses..._

_Three smirking Slytherins..._

_Two cackling Weasleys..._

_And the promise of a very, very dead career!"_ The four Houses grinned.

"Thank you, Mastermind!" they coursed, then broke into groups to plot. Harry waited until Umbridge left the room before standing and bowing grandly to the assembled students.

"You are most welcome, my friends," he said, that grin appearing once more. The staff shivered. What could four plotting Houses do to a single professor? This was certainly not what anyone thought when they thought of the Houses of Hogwarts uniting as one.

Dolores was one scared woman, but she was also livid. How dare that little brat do this to her! How dare he turn the whole school against her! Well, she would show him. And so, despite the warnings and her own fear, Dolores Jane Umbridge returned to what she had been doing before _Potter_ started this whole silly little campaign. She barely lasted the day. Muggle water balloons filled with ink, syrup, condiments, feathers, and even dungbombs were flung at her. Itching power fell from doorways as she entered classrooms, toilets sang rude songs when she sat on them, _chairs_ sang rude songs when she sat on them, teacups tried to bite her in the Divination 'classroom,' canaries attacked her in Transfiguration, her clothes were changed color more times than she cared to count, she was forced to talk in Victorian sonnets while walking backwards, and then, as she entered the Great Hall for dinner, someone hit her with a spell that made her hiss. Potter nearly passed out from his laughter. When asked, he said that she was _still_ talking in Victorian sonnets that really shouldn't be written down or repeated due to their content, but it was all in Parseltounge! "Okay, I have to know, who cast that spell and could you teach me?" Harry huffed out. There was a dull rumble from the Slytherin table and Harry grinned. "Brilliant!" he crowed before taking his seat. Dolores was not a happy professor, but Severus was rather amused. He himself wasn't sure he could root out the perpetrator of that last prank, and the rest of it, aside from the 'four plotting Houses' wasn't against the rules so no-one could be punished. Smirking, cackling, and whispering were all normal. Doing any of the three only in the presence of a single person might be considered harassment, but none of the other teachers were going to file charges. Dolores had brought this on herself for not listening to their warnings about the Potter Heir. Plus their students were so much happier now. The next morning, Dolores announced the next stage of The Prank.

"_On the Fifth Day of Pranking my Foe gave to Me..._

_Five hijacked classes..._

_Four plotting Houses..._

_Three smirking Slytherins..._

_Two cackling Weasleys..._

_And the promise of a very, very dead career!"_ Everyone grinned, then settled into the previous routine until Dolores left, then gathered to plan how to pull of this part of The Prank. It was decided that only Defense Against the Dark Arts classes could be hijacked and that the first through third years and fourth through seventh years would alternate hijackings so that only five classes per day were hijacked and each class would get a chance to participate in the fifth portion of The Prank. Honestly, by this point, the teachers didn't have it in them to protest. Umbridge was just that awful. Plus Remus had begged to be allowed back as soon as possible and pretty much everyone wanted the former Ravenclaw back in that position. He was one of the best teachers for that subject they had ever had. (This author is too lazy to describe what the hijacked classes were like. Please use your imagination.)

Right on time, Umbridge sang the next portion of The Prank Song. _"On the Sixth Day of Pranking my Foe gave to Me..._

_Six Geese a laying..._

_Five hijacked classes..._

_Four plotting Houses..._

_Three smirking Slytherins..._

_Two cackling Weasleys..._

_And the promise of a very, very dead career!"_ The students were confused. Geese a laying? How were they going to help with that? Turns out, they weren't. This was part of The Prank that was rather passive and consisted of six nesting geese being put into Umbridge's office and refusing to be moved. Or, rather, they showed back up again no matter what anyone did. Harry was rather proud of that. And so, Dolores found herself dealing with geese nesting in her office, students hijacking her classes five times a day, all four Houses plotting and executing pranks, Slytherins smirking in trios, Ron and Ginny as well as the Twins cackling at her whenever in her presence together(which, blessedly for both parties, wasn't all that often), and students from all four Houses whispering 'a very, very, dead career' whenever she passed them all day long. Oh, how she dreaded breakfast the next day. _"On the Seventh Day of Pranking my Foe gave to Me..._

_Seven kittens a roaming..._

_Six Geese a laying..._

_Five hijacked classes..._

_Four plotting Houses..._

_Three smirking Slytherins..._

_Two cackling Weasleys..._

_And the promise of a very, very dead career!"_ Draco, James, Daphne, Ginny, Luna, Neville, and Dean all stood and called out,

"Accio Kitten Plate!" Seven kitten plates came whizzing into their hands a few minutes later, clearly from Umbridge's office. Harry blinked.

"Well that was unexpected," he remarked. Everyone stared at him. "I hadn't thought you'd summon her kitten plates. Honestly, I was planning on having seven kittens turn up and trail her, but this works well as well," he elaborated.

"Detention with me for a week, Mister Potter, for admitting to planning a prank on a professor," Dolores said with villainous glee. Harry simply gave her the recently dubbed Mastermind Grin. Dolores was now afraid. Very afraid.

"Why, I thought you liked kittens," he said 'sweetly' as he twirled his wand between his fingers. Severus sighed.

"Harry, not even your mother could get you out of this one," he said. Harry laughed like a madman.

"Good thing I wasn't counting on family or friends to 'get me out' of this one then isn't it?" he said. The potions master shook his head. He would never fully understand that boy. Never. Though, he was curious as to _how_ Harry planned to get out of this one. "You see, miss Umbridge, you are _not_, in fact, a professor. Oh sure you _pretend_ to teach here and you get paid for it – a massive scandal in my most humble opinion – but you don't really have the proper qualifications for it now do you? If one is not qualified, certified, or even proficient at a subject one cannot teach the subject, at least not properly. And you aren't even trying! If, before I came to Hogwarts, and you had the power, a novelist had been appointed to teach any subject what-so-ever here would you have allowed he or she to remain and teach children a fictional view of the world and how magic works? Should the answer be, 'I would have removed in incompetent fraud almost as soon as he or she was hired' then I am right in saying that you, Madam, are no professor and so your basis for putting me in detention is null and void. And so, with what little respect is actually due you, I take my leave and head to class, where I am supposed to be," Harry said. As he turned to go, Marlene Black began to clap slowly. Soon the rest of the staff, sans Umbridge, as well as the remaining students had joined in and Harry was clapped out of the room. Harry James "Mastermind" Potter was one happy wizard that day.

_"On the Eighth Day of Pranking my Foe gave to Me..._

_Eight rebellious Claws..._

_Seven kittens a roaming..._

_Six Geese a laying..._

_Five hijacked classes..._

_Four plotting Houses..._

_Three smirking Slytherins..._

_Two cackling Weasleys..._

_And the promise of a very, very dead career!"_ The Ravenclaws gave Harry mutinous looks, but Luna was all for following the Song.

"Why should I go to class? I'm going back to bed and anyone who wants is free to join me," she said, grabbing her bag and stalking out. The other fourth year 'Claws looked at each other, then tore out the Great Hall after her. Three more Claws to go. The forth and fifth year boys started playing rock paper scissors. Three of them followed the girls. Harry hummed along with the twins.

"Not quite what one thinks of when they hear 'rebellious Claws' is it?" the three asked as one. Ron, Hermione, and Ginny nodded sagely.

"I thought of them hijacking every class they were in and teaching it themselves," said a random student.

"I can't even imagine what a rebellious Ravenclaw would be like so this is highly acceptable," said another.

"At least it was the middle years," Flitwick sighed, his colleagues, sans Umbridge, nodding in agreement. This was the most fun they had had in a while. Parodying a Muggle Christmas song to get back at a hated professor was highly amusing and imaginative. Plus they hated her as well.

So now, eight of the Ravenclaws refused to leave their common room, seven of Dolores' kitten plates were wondering around in the possession of seven different students, six geese were nesting in Dolores' office, five DADA classes a day were being hijacked by the students, all four Houses were plotting and putting their plots into action, Slytherins were smirking in trios, every time Dolores was in sight of two Weasleys(even Percy) they both began cackling, and nearly every student she passed whispered 'a very, very, dead career' like a promise of vengeance. It had not been a very good week for Dolores, and it was only going to get worse. _"On the Nineth Day of Pranking my Foe gave to Me..._

_Nine maids a missing..._

_Eight rebellious Claws..._

_Seven kittens a roaming..._

_Six Geese a laying..._

_Five hijacked classes..._

_Four plotting Houses..._

_Three smirking Slytherins..._

_Two cackling Weasleys..._

_And the promise of a very, very dead career!" _Nine girls got up and left without a word being uttered. They weren't found until after the twelfth day. Although, many suspected that the house elves knew exactly where they were and were looking after them just like all the other students. Slightly displeased with the lack of added action, the student body stepped up everything they could in accordance to The Prank. _"On the Tenth Day of Pranking my Foe gave to Me..._

_Ten fighting badgers..._

_Nine maids a missing..._

_Eight rebellious Claws..._

_Seven kittens a roaming..._

_Six Geese a laying..._

_Five hijacked classes..._

_Four plotting Houses..._

_Three smirking Slytherins..._

_Two cackling Weasleys..._

_And the promise of a very, very dead career!"_ Ten Hufflepuff stood, then looked lost.

"Wands or fists?" one asked.

"Tickling Charms or Stinging Hexes?"

"Stinging Hexes. Gives us a reason to cruse and trash talk."

"On the count of three?"

"THREE!" And thus the Great Hall bore witness to ten Hufflepuffs dukeing it out with stinging hexes while swearing like sailors and talking the trashiest trash anyone had ever heard from a Badger. Harry blinked.

"Again, not exactly what I had in mind, but that works!" he said. The fighting Hufflepuffs either didn't hear or didn't care. No one else really did either. They were too shocked at the sight. Hogwarts' students were really getting into this Prank.

"_On the Eleventh Day of Pranking my Foe gave to Me..._

_Eleven inquiries..._

_Ten fighting badgers..._

_Nine maids a missing..._

_Eight rebellious Claws..._

_Seven kittens a roaming..._

_Six Geese a laying..._

_Five hijacked classes..._

_Four plotting Houses..._

_Three smirking Slytherins..._

_Two cackling Weasleys..._

_And the promise of a very, very dead career!"_ Now everyone was wondering just what would be investigated, and very happy they could stop coming up with new plots. It was hard doing something every day! Dolores now feared for her Ministry job, and rightly so. By dinner, she had received notice of all eleven inquiries, so it was almost a relief when Halloween came and the entierty of The Prank was known as Dolores sang,

"_On the Twelfth Day of Pranking my Foe gave to Me..._

_Twelve months of therapy..._

_Eleven inquiries..._

_Ten fighting badgers..._

_Nine maids a missing..._

_Eight rebellious Claws..._

_Seven kittens a roaming..._

_Six Geese a laying..._

_Five hijacked classes..._

_Four plotting Houses..._

_Three smirking Slytherins..._

_Two cackling Weasleys..._

_And a very, very dead career!"_

Severus inclined his head to Harry with a raised glass. He knew Harry had gotten his father to pay for that therapy as an apology to Umbridge. Still didn't negate the fact that he had completely destroyed her career and harassed her for twelve days straight, twelve _accumulative_ days. Harry didn't really care. Umbridge was out and Remus was back where he belonged, teaching DADA at Hogwarts. All was right with the world again and Halloween was a happy day in Harry James Potter's life.

A/N: Yeah, I got lazy near the end. Still, let me know what you thought, please?

Regenengel3


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